Cue the Mind Games!

I really can't complain about this 2WW. Patience is something that I'm not very good at, and I have to work hard to find patience when necessary. I've never really been the "Zen" type, so waiting makes me crazy.

But truly and honestly, up until yesterday I was sort of sailing through this 2WW. I couldn't believe that more than a week had already gone by. Have I been thinking about it nonstop? Of course! But I have been doing a good job of accepting the thought, thinking positively, then letting it go. Sometimes I've had to actually tell myself, "Find something to do! Distract yourself!" so I wouldn't dwell, but it's been working.

Then here we are today, 9 dpIUI. I woke up this morning to an elevated BBT and intriguing cramping. Ok, the higher temp isn't anything to get too excited about, but it's a good sign.

My Chart - notice the temp!

And as far as these cramps were concerned, I wasn't really sure what to make of them yet. They were so mild, it was almost like I was imagining them there.

As the day went on, the cramps started to become more present, but still like a distant echo. They were accompanied by the slightest hint of nausea. Add this to the breakouts from two days ago and the creamy CM, and suddenly my mind was running away from me!

Luckily, I was able to text a friend and she talked some sense into me :)

My friend is the best!

I made myself busy at work, and made it through the rest of the afternoon. Then when I got home, I was getting changed to go out for a bike ride. Suddenly, I noticed the most bizarre cramps on my right side. They were brief, and different from anything I'd ever noticed before. "Implantation cramping?!" Yes, my mind actually went there. That's how these mind games work! Pure evil. But the feeling passed after a few seconds, and I dismissed the thought. Get distracted. Go ride your bike.

So I'm going to continue distracting myself left and right up until 13 dpIUI, Tuesday, the day I take a HPT. 13 has always been a lucky number for me, and it's also CD27. I love 1's, 3's, and 7's because they've always been good numbers to me. 13 dpIUI, CD27, don't fail me now!! I'm hoping and praying and chanting and singing and doing every other ritual under the sun that I make it to my beta test on June 7th!!

Waiting...

CD 21, 7 DPO. Half way through the 2WW. So far, it has been pretty uneventful, and I'm just doing my best to keep myself distracted and stay positive.

I decided to test out my trigger this morning to make sure the hCG was out of my system. The last thing I want is to take a HPT and get a false positive because the trigger is still lingering. Well, the trigger is gone and the test couldn't have been any whiter. Which is good. Now I know I can get a reliable result out of a HPT when the time comes. Though I have to admit, it would have been fun to see a positive result for the first time ever, even if it wasn't real. Hopefully I won't have to wait much longer for the real thing.

I started charting my BBT a few days ago. It has been so nice to have a break, especially since it was such a source of frustration. It was literally keeping me from sleeping because I was so paranoid that I'd miss my alarm and screw it up. Then I would obsess over my charts that were really not much help because they were so erratic. But the past few days have shown very stable temps above my usual coverline. So that's good! I just hope that the temps stay up and don't take their usual nose-dive around the time AF could be showing up...

I'm just hoping and praying that there's a little zygote nestling in to some prime real estate in my ute. For the time being, the zygote has been nicknamed "Harvey" after the vintage board game "Hang on Harvey!" I'm sure you can imagine the current chant ;)

Balance

It is something that at times has been elusive in my life, yet I strive to attain it. Whenever I find balance I feel so good; like there isn't anything I can't do. The problem I have is that my balance usually tends to be feast or famine, black or white, all or nothing.

Running has been the great equalizer in my life for so many years. Kristin Armstrong, a writer on Runner's World.com, puts it well in a recent blog: "When I forget who I am, I remind myself by finding my stride." Ah, yes, this rings true for me too. 

I met with Kristina this morning for a trail run at the Watchung Reservation. We are truly two birds of a feather. Even though we are both focused on different areas in our lives, the way we perceive the world is usually the same. Today our conversation was a constant stream of "I feel the exact same way" exclamations. 

Kristina & me finding our stride on the trails

Here are some of the epiphanies I had while on our run:

1. I am happiest when I feel my life is balanced.
2. Over the past year and a half, it has been a constant struggle to have balance in my life.
3. I am getting closer to finding balance under the current circumstances in my life. I am still in partial denial of all the realities that comes with IF, but I am starting to find peace and patience.
4. I have been struggling to find balance in my running now that I am not allowed to train for a marathon. This causes my whole life to feel even more off-center. I need to find a way to be happy within the one-hour-a-day limit. I am always open to suggestions!

Probably the most concrete realization I had today was that if this cycle is a bust (which I hope and pray it is not), I will go for a good, long run while I have my period. I'm talking about a 2-3 hour run up on Bear Mountain. I need to feed my craving to push my body, mind and soul to total exhaustion. 

Elevation Map from the North Face 50-Mile Ultramarathon

Yup... that would do it :-D

I hear you loud and clear!

It seems that the universe doesn't believe me though. I'm a teacher in a K-6 building, and I passed by a 6th grade classroom this morning on my way to the copy room. The door was open and the class was in the midst of watching a health video about conception. I caught sight of the huge diagram of a uterus, Fallopian tubes, and ovaries. And there goes that pretty little egg making its way to the uterine wall for implantation. I stopped dead in my tracks, eyes bugging out of my head, jaw on the floor.

Really?! I'm doing my best to stay distracted while riding out the 2WW, but I can't escape it. Sigh.

I shook it off and decided to move on. About five steps later, Elaine calls after me. I didn't even realize that she was around to see my shellshocked reaction. There aren't many people at work who know what I've been going through, mostly because I've been holing myself away in my classroom. Antisocial, yes. But it's a survival technique I've adopted to guard my emotions with five pregnant colleagues running around the building ("There must be something in the water!" ...if I hear that one more time I might just reach out and throat punch someone!). In the moment, I decided to open up to Elaine and let her know exactly why I found the video so upsetting.

At first she didn't understand what I was trying to say. She recommended that I talk to another colleague who apparently had a hard time trying to conceive her two kids. As Elaine was telling me, this colleague tried every imaginable home remedy before it finally worked. I politely told her that we were already passed all that, we have been trying for over a year with no success, and are undergoing treatments with a fertility specialist.

As soon as I told her that, she got right on the same page as me and offered prayers. Hell yes, I'll take those prayers! And now I feel so good knowing that I have another friend at work who knows I'm struggling and has my back. It feels so good to be supported.

After moving on, I decided to focus on the positive: it is possible that we had conception just two days ago. Maybe, just maybe, I have a little zygote in there dividing and growing. Maybe it's on its way to my uterine wall trying to steak out some prime real estate. Please, please, please!! And while I'm asking for things, I'd like to request that the cutie little zygote steer clear of the top of my arcuate uterus. I'd just be able to rest easier throughout a pregnancy knowing that it has a better shot of getting through all nine months (part of me still worries that my ute is septate which is really scary. There's a very high risk of miscarriage if the baby implants on the septum because it's not an oxygen-rich part of the uterus).

I hope and pray this is happening right now!!

Ok, now I'm off to distract myself again. But first, a little chant ;)

Divide, Zygote, divide!

I win!

Today will be noted as a win for Cici in the battle to stay motivated during the marathon suspension. I have been struggling to keep up with my running routine now that I'm on restrictions (one hour a day is simply not enough for a marathon junkie!!). Each day when I get home from work, I find every excuse in the book to not lace up.

But today, I win! As I was driving home from work I started to feel tired and lazy. The couch was calling my name! But I got out there anyway, and I'm so glad I did.

Now that I'm in the 2WW, it is essential to keep myself distracted. Running has to be a big piece of that. So I'm making running dates for the weekend, and should probably make a schedule for next week. I'll also pick a project around the house to keep me occupied. And I'll keep hoping, wishing, and praying every day that there's a baby in there.

The honest truth: this is why I started running :)

Green Light

I went in for my first IUI this morning. It went really well and my hopes are sky-high for this cycle :)

I woke up from the ovulation pains at 5:00am. A friend had warned me that her triggers usually made her O pains more pronounced. When she told me that, I thought, "Great. My O pains are already pretty significant without meds. I hope it doesn't get much worse than a 'normal' cycle." Yikes, it was worse. I stayed in bed but couldn't fall back asleep because the pain was so intense :(

Finally I had to get up and get ready for my IUI. DH was trying to focus on doing "his job" if you know what I mean, so I didn't want to distract him or put any pressure on him. We had a little scare with the collection cup. Yesterday, I opened the bag to read through the instructions which said to refrigerate the cup until 30 minutes before collection. Oops, it had been sitting out on our counter for nearly two days. Luckily, we were able to get another cup. But I got nervous when DH went into the other room to do his thing that he might use the wrong cup. I felt bad that I had to check - I didn't want to wreck his concentration - but I needed to make sure he was using the right cup!! Luckily, he hadn't started yet and was able to perform very well, LOL! His count post-wash showed 18 million moving sperm!! The PA explained that was a really good number. They like to see something in the normal range of 5-10 million. Go, Johnny, go!!

It was getting close to the time I had to leave for my appointment, but the ovulation pains were getting worse. The more I moved around, the worse I felt. I started to dread the drive to my appointment and wished that DH was able to drive me. But that wasn't possible for today because he has a concert tonight.

I pulled out all the stops to power through the pain and just get my ass to my appointment. Thank god Rach picked up the phone and was able to chat with me the whole time I was driving. I would have probably cried the whole car ride if I didn't have her to distract me. I don't mean to sound like a baby or a wimp. I consider myself to have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I've run 10 marathons for crying out loud! I am conditioned to deal with discomfort and push through pain (yet I think I do a good job of knowing my body. I know what kind of pain is worth stopping for. I'd never keep running if it were truly hazardous to my longterm health).

The ladies in the office were so sympathetic towards me. I told the receptionist immediately that I was in pain and asked if I could take anything. The nurse got me some Tylenol which took the edge off of my pain, though I am still hurting as I write this. At least now it is manageable. The PA told me the fact that I was experiencing such strong pain was actually a good sign that my body was responding very well to the medication. So at least I'm not suffering in vain!

I have a tilted uterus, so it usually takes some extra maneuvering to get the catheter through. The PA did a great job and was very apologetic even though it wasn't that bad. The IUI took less than a minute, then I laid on the table for ten minutes to let the sperm swim around.

While I laid on the table, I held the lucky coin to my tummy and prayed. I set an alarm on my phone for 10 minutes, then took out a picture of DH and me. I tried to imagine what our children might look like. I wondered what their personalities might be like. I hope they take the best features from the both of us! I think we'd make some cute kids if I don't say so myself ;)

DH & me at a birthday party in January 2013

My hopes are higher than ever after all of the positive response we've had so far in this cycle. There has been nothing but green lights: blood work is normal, I had at least three good follies on Monday, the Ovidrel worked for sure as my O pains demonstrated, the PA thinks the intensity of my O pains is a good sign that I'm responding really well to the meds, DH's sperm wash had 18 million swimmers... it's all good! Now I just need to hang onto that hope and distract myself as much as possible during the 2WW. Wish us luck! Thoughts, prayers, and positive vibes are all welcome!! And, of course, the chant of the day:

Swim, Super Sperm! 

Find the Egg. Take Firm!

A baby is what we yearn! 

Swim, Super Sperm!  

I'm Keeping My Eyes on the Prize

Or at least I'm trying. It seems to be a constant ebb and flow. One minute, I'm smiling, seeing the positive, happy. The next minute, I'm down in the dumps, everything's negative, despair.

Seriously, what is with the mood swings?! Ugh.

DH & I had an interesting conversation tonight at dinner. He doesn't talk about his feelings very often, and lately it seems like I'm always a blubbering mess while he is cool as a cucumber. I know that men and women just process things differently. And the two of us have always been on complete opposite extremes of the overly sensitive to insensitive spectrum (take a wild guess which one I am, HA!). 

He told me that he does want a baby now, but not in the same way that I do. He is still able to see the positives of being child-free at the moment. For example, the ten four-year-olds wildly running around Michael's birthday party on Sunday... DH saw that as an eye opening moment. When Michael has a melt-down and my brother has to discipline his child, he thinks, "Thank god I don't have to worry about that right now!" 

Me, on the other hand... I welcome all of the aches and pains of parenthood with open arms. I want to be a mother so badly that I'll take the good with the bad (and sometimes ugly... I'm not saying I will like it when my kid has a temper tantrum in the middle of a public place, but, hey, they're kids. Tantrums happen. A parent's job is never ending). As a matter of fact, it actually breaks my heart to hear pregnant women complain about the discomforts and inconveniences of pregnancy. I'd sacrifice almost anything to be pregnant.

Nonetheless, we both want the same thing: a family. He's just better at seeing the positive than I am. And he is much more patient. I am trying. It is hard. So when my mood swings to the dark side, I do my best to stop myself from destructive thinking, distract myself, and move on. I'm keeping my eyes on the prize. I will be a mother very soon.