Postpartum OB Appointment

I was so concerned that I hadn't been angry at all since losing Rosa. With all of my losses over the past few years, I had always kicked off my grieving cycle with a healthy dose of anger before settling into sadness, despair and depression. This time, I skipped right over anger and thought it was odd. Well, I found my rage yesterday. All it took was a few pokes from the universe to remind me of how utterly infertile I am.

Poke #1: John & I are members of a group that has been selected to perform at a convention in December. The application process is rigorous and acceptance into the convention is a huge deal. Yesterday was the deadline for committing to the event. It involves traveling with the group for four days before the holidays out of town and a $2000 financial commitment. The only thing I could think of was "how will this impact our cycling plans?" I cannot believe that after almost four years of trying to conceive that we are still thinking like this!!!

Poke #2: I was nervous about my postpartum OB appointment yesterday for lots of reasons. I knew it would be hard and painful, and I was looking forward to having it behind me. Just get it over with. I walked into the waiting room and the first thought through my head was, "this is the first time I've ever been in this office and not been pregnant." I miss Rosa so, so much. 

Poke #3: I was relieved to see that there were no pregnant ladies or babies in the waiting room when I arrived. I thought I dodged a bullet... until I heard a tiny little voice in the back. A pregnant lady and her toddler walked through the back door and plopped down in the waiting room. Will it ever be my turn to have a child that I don't have to give back? 

Poke #4: I tried to distract myself from the pregnant lady and her child by watching the TV in the waiting room. The Real was on, and they were doing a pajama party segment. Cute, right? Well, it was until their playful game of truth or dare. One of the personalities was dared to call her husband on the show and tell him she was pregnant. She wasn't pregnant, but how fun would that be to play a little prank?! To say the least, I was not amused. 

Poke #5: I was sort of holding it together until the receptionist called me up to the desk. She handed me a clipboard with a postpartum depression questionnaire.

You've gotta be effing kidding me!!! How exactly am I expected to respond to this bullshit?? I was so angry to have to look at this piece of paper. I wanted to tear it up, crumple it, stomp on it, spit on it, burn it, destroy it. I refused to answer the questions and told my doctor that it was not appropriate. I suggested that they have a modified questionnaire for situations like mine. I mean, for crying out loud, when 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth, I can't be the first or last to have this happen in their office. Get your shit together, assholes!!

The Details of the Appointment: I finally thought that this was enough, and asked the receptionist if there was an empty exam room where I could wait. They were actually about to call me back, thank god. The nurse asked if I wanted to go on the scale. I was actually curious to see my weight, so I jumped on. I am back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Slightly under because I have no muscle mass. She took my blood pressure and it was normal. Then I was given instructions to disrobe and put the gown on. The doctor came in shortly after. She was sympathetic about our loss and everything we had been through. She asked a lot of questions of me, and answered all of my questions. She was apologetic about the questionnaire and that I wasn't immediately seated in the exam room. I passed the physical exam and was given clearance for running (thank god!!), swimming, and intercourse. All exercise restrictions have been lifted. 

Poke #6: We discussed our future family building options. Dr. C doesn't think we need to wait six months to try again like Dr. Ntoso had recommended. Dr. C recommends waiting two cycles at minimum. There was talk about testing our embryos, hoping the placenta results were informative, and then considering adoption. Depending on the pathology report, she advised us to be open minded to the possibility of a gestational carrier. These are both amazing opportunities and paths to parenthood, but.... ouch. I have always had them on the back of my mind, but never invested much thought because I want to believe that our embryos can do this. That my uterus can do this. It is extremely painful to be at the point where we are facing another significant loss. At the end of the day, I just want a healthy baby. But it would be a great loss for me to give up the chance of carrying my child. 

Poke, poke, poke... I was full of rage by the time I left. Infertility sucks!!!! I hate this so, very much!!! 

So I bought these plates at the local goodwill store. 

And John & I blew off some steam by smashing the shit out of them. It felt amazing to unleash on those unwitting, ugly plates. Assholes!!!

I also pounded the pavement and went for my first run back. It felt incredible! I cannot describe how good it was for me. I could think again! I felt centered and like me for the first time in months.