Stop the Hurt

I may or may not have just had a panic attack. I feel so sad. I can't describe it any other way except extreme heaviness in my entire body. Especially in my heart and throat. And arms. My arms feel so empty, so when I can, I fill them with the stuffed puppy we had made for Rosa. I wish it was a baby in my arms. My arms yearn to cradle a baby in the worst way, and are literally aching at this absence. 

I was dozing off on the couch just over the past few hours while John, his friend, and my sister were all watching TV. I woke up suddenly and in a panic a few times. It felt like my heart was racing and my chest was tight. I worried and thought that maybe I was having a heart attack. 

I don't think that I am having a heart attack now that I'm awake and conscious enough to understand that my chest feels tight and heavy from the grief. I want to cry all the time. But I feel like I don't have any tears left. Like my tears ducts have actually dried up and are empty. So instead of tears constantly streaming down my face, I have a constant lump in my throat. And my heart feels heavy. And my arms ache for a baby to snuggle and nurture. 

I want the pain to stop. But at the same time, I don't want it to stop. I don't want to lose any little bit of my connection to Rosa. I don't want her to fade. And the bleeding, the lactation, the yearning are all physical reminders of a baby that was just there... and now she's not, but my body hasn't fully registered that yet. I know that sounds completely fucked up. All of this is fucked up. I just miss her so much and am still in disbelief that she is gone. I want to be with her and understand that she can't be here anymore because she is dead. So part of me wishes I could go to her instead. But the other part of me knows that is wrong. I don't want to die. But I don't want to be without her. It's so unfair. I feel so tortured. There is no way to be happy like this. 

Rosa, baby girl... I am so sorry. I am sorry I couldn't save you. I am sorry that I can't be with you right now to hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok. I am sorry that you didn't get to feel the sunshine on your face, or the grass tickle your skin. I am sorry I never got to hear your laugh or cry. I am sorry I never got to hear your little voice call out my name. I am sorry that I never got to give you a fraction of the things I wanted to give you in this life. 

I see roses everywhere. I want to gather them all and give every single one to you. Yet I realize that it won't help me to feel better. I could fill my whole yard with roses, I could fill my whole closet with rosy clothing... It'll never ever come close to filling the incredible void in my heart. None are half as beautiful as you. All I want is you. 

I love you, baby girl. I may not have been able to give you all the beautiful things that this world has to offer, but I have always and will always give you all of my love. You have my heart and you ARE my heart. One day we will meet again, and it will be so sweet. Until then, baby girl, please know how deeply I love you.