***Warning: Depressing Topic***

Don't ask me how, but I got to thinking about our traumatizing experience with IVF #2 today. I have been keeping a private journal, and writing as I glide in my fancy reading room chair. Time has passed since that day in December, but the pain is still there tugging at my heart, swelling up my throat, and tearing up my eyes.

I can't fully explain how deeply that cycle hurt me - hurt us - and every time I think of 8:20am December 9, 2013... I go right back to that awful moment when I saw the doctor's name show up on my caller ID. Devastated. We were devastated.

dev·as·tate

ˈdevəˌstāt/

verb

past tense: devastated; past participle: devastated

1. destroy or ruin (something).

   "the city was devastated by a huge earthquake"

   synonyms:

   destroy, ruin, wreck, lay waste, ravage, demolish, raze (to the ground),level, flatten;

   • cause (someone) severe and overwhelming shock or grief.

     "she was devastated by the loss of Damian"

     synonyms:

     shatter, shock, stun, daze, dumbfound, traumatize, crush, overwhelm,overcome, distress "he was devastated by the news"

I am not exaggerating when I say that was the worst day of my life. ::deep breath, heavy sigh::

A revelation I just had concerning the information we learned that day: we have been dreaming of having a baby for three years now, and in that time how many times have we had conception? Fertilization? A blastocyst? Implantation? A positive pregnancy test?

...conception? Probably 80% of the time... Fertilization? I think 70% of the time... A blastocyst? I suspect 5% of the time... Implantation? Maybe (if I'm being generous) 0.5% of the time... A positive pregnancy test? 0% of the time.

That's depressing.

How does that make me feel moving forward? Scared as hell. I am completely traumatized by our experience with IVF. To the point where I don't know if I could actually do it ever again. Sure, Dr. KK is working with us now, and hopefully she will make a world of difference for us. But that doesn't change how completely anxious I feel at the prospect of enduring another week of ER to ET... and the aftermath if history repeats itself. Quite frankly, the thought makes me sick. So I will stop thinking about it.