10/50

10 days until Dr. KK Part I.

50 days until Dr. KK Part II.

Most of the arrangements are made for the first trip. I haven't made any arrangements for the second trip though. Maybe I'll just stick with the phone consult after all.

In other news, marathon training is going well! 28 days till the race :D Rachel & I ran 20 miles yesterday. It was the first time since April 13, 2013 that I have run that far.

I remember that day well. Just earlier that week, we had our initial consultation with the RE. I told myself that I knew my period was coming, but deep down I was in denial about the whole thing. I woke up on the 13th to CD1 and horrible cramps. John had something going on, so it was just me and Mocha curled up on the couch all day. Then around 4:00 in the afternoon, my cramps eased enough for my denial and sadness to melt away. Anger and rage took their place. I grabbed my iPod, laced up, and went out the door for a long run.

I didn't have a plan. No course mapped out, no distance in my mind. I just wanted to run until my legs and uterus felt numb. I ran up the steep and long hills in my neighborhood and just ran and ran. 20 miles later, I was back at my house feeling triumphant. I didn't have a race I was training for, but I suppose that run was training for the IF marathon that would follow.

Yesterday's 20 miler felt good but for different reasons. This time, IF is still there, but I have pushed it to the side where it belongs. The marathon is my goal, not beating the monster that is infertility. Though I'd love to do that (and kick its ugly ass!!) I am beyond obsessing over it every waking second. Clearly, that didn't work the past year and a half.

The first ten miles were so easy that Rachel & I hardly noticed them tick by. I didn't start to pay attention to our distance until we hit 15 miles. We stopped twice to refill our water bottles, but other than that we kept moving. By mile 17, I had to start the internal monologue to keep pushing myself forward. It was hot, and my stomach is sensitive. I was trying to keep myself balanced yet I didn't want to latch onto any 'excuses' in my head. You see, when you reach this point of the run, your legs will be tired. But they can keep going. It's the mind that nags at you to stop. So the sooner you shut your brain off and accept that it's going to hurt, the better.

At our last water stop I filled my bottle with ice & water. Every half mile, I rewarded myself with a little squirt on the top of my head. It.was.heaven.  The last mile was so tough. All I wanted to do was to stop running. But I bargained with myself that I would be allowed to walk the second I hit 20 miles, and I could drink the rest of the ice water.

When my watch finally hit 20.00 miles, I felt so relieved and proud. I walked to the nearest shady place, and parked my butt on the grass. Ohhhh, sitting felt so good! It wasn't long before I was laying down, sprawled out all over the grass. I looked up, and there were train tracks above me. Rachel turned back to check on me, and she sat down in the grass (and took pictures of the moment. Holy crap, I cannot emphasize how happy I was to not be running anymore!!). A minute later, a freight train zoomed over me. Car after car went on for several minutes. I just looked up in awe. I was laying directly beneath the track, but I was too tired to move. It was fascinating, and I found so much beauty in this moment. After the train passed, I rolled over and exclaimed, "That was SO COOL!!" Finally, Rachel & I got up and walked back to her house.