Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire

I've been doing this whole "pretend I'm ok even though I'm not" thing the past few weeks. Today, it blew up in my face. I woke up to the usual PMS cramps at the usual dpIUI time.

When I was leaving the house to go to work, I looked down at my thumb nail... as silly, sad, or pathetic as it sounds, I had painted my nails with my Ninja manicure on April 20th, two days before our beta. I never had the heart to remove the chipped polish, so I let time chip it away. Well, the final speck was gone when I looked this morning. Cue Ugly Cry #1 of the day. Not fun or recommended while driving. Why does that always seem to happen?!

I started the usual PMS spotting late this morning. And I don't know what set me off, but suddenly I was swept away by Ugly Cry #2 at my desk at work. It's usually a safe place to let loose, but I heard the door open and a man's voice. I made a run for the storage closet, but didn't get away with it. The sales rep from our local music shop was making his rounds, and followed me asking, "Hey! So now you see me and run?" He was joking until he saw my red-eyed, blotchy face. Awwwwwwk-warrrrrrrrd. Then he couldn't run out of the room fast enough. He was abundantly apologetic, saying that he was so sorry and that he would come back later, so sorry to bother, you should really get a cup of coffee, do you want me to get you a cup of coffee?? Oh, god, so awkward.

So, I guess I'm not fine. I wish I could shut off my ovaries for a little while to give my brain a break. Sigh.

And, this just in, I just got my period. BIG SURPRISE, IUI #5 is a bust. I don't know if I should count today as CD1 or if tomorrow is CD1. I DON'T CARE. In the end, it doesn't really matter. We are not doing another IUI.

I AM DONE. D-O-N-E.

I had the realization - why am I torturing myself with more IUIs while we're in this holding pattern?? I didn't have a single shred of hope, I knew that it was basically going to guarantee when my period would come and that is it. It is not worth the pain. It is not worth the planning. It is not worth anything at all!!!

So what now? We continue to wait. 62 days until Dr. KK Part I, 102 days until Part II.

Somehow I need to find a way to keep my brain distracted. I will be running a lot to numb the pain.