Dream...

I had a dream last night. We were waiting for the call with our CCS results, and then the phone rang. I answered it, and was surprised to hear my grandmother's voice on the other end. I was surprised because 1) it wasn't the doctor and 2) she passed away in 1999. (This is the same grandmother who in real life struggled with IF in the 1950s. She and my grandfather tried for nine years before they got pregnant with their miracles, twins: my mother & uncle.) She told me that she had the results of our CCS testing, and that it wasn't good news. We both started to cry, and I begged her to just say it... I wouldn't believe it until she said it. It was not a nice dream :(

I have always thought of my grandparents as our guardian angels. I am praying that it was just a bad dream - a sign that I'm more stressed than I thought. I do not want this dream to come true. I can't shake the feeling that this was my grandmother's way of softening the blow... that we're headed for bad news soon. I really, really hope I am wrong.

I feel so bad for the pressure that we are placing on our precious Frostie Ninja. We have all of our hopes pinned on her. If she decides not to be our baby, then we will likely be waving goodbye to our hopes for a biological child. It is a scary thought, and a lot to ask from one little blastocyst.

But our Ninja is strong. She has to be. She fought to make it this far. I truly believe that if we can just get her in my uterus that I can help her the rest of the way. She is a fighter just like her mommy & daddy. I pray that she is our baby.

We will find out soon... hopefully this week... if she passed the test. Many prayers have been said. I've been visiting her almost daily, and playing songs for her. When I visited on my birthday, I told her that I wished that she would have a birthday too.