Searching for Hope

I'm still having a hard time shaking off the depression that set in after our WTF appointment yesterday. For the most part, I completely expected everything the doctor said to us, but it was so hard to hear the words come out of his mouth. He said that he was surprised at the lack of egg quality... that he didn't expect egg quality to be our issue... he thought that since we were "working with the eggs of a 31 year old, he didn't expect them to look like the eggs of a 41 year old. Especially when none of our initial tests indicated that there might be an egg quality issue." 

After getting our Day 3 Fertility Report, I knew that was our problem... Initially, I was thrilled to learn the day after ER that we had 10 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 6 fertilized... but by day three, only two stood out in the 'normal range' and even they were poor quality. The remaining four were 'growing slowly' and stopped growing all together by day 5. We have no way to know for certain, but it is likely that the two we transferred also stopped growing shortly after... it's so deeply upsetting...

We decided that we don't want to waste any time, and we'll get back in there for IVF#2 at the first opportunity. We are going to use the same protocol (Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide) and increase the doses. In addition, we'll do estrogen priming and HGH (a steroid to give egg quality a boost). This will all begin after O is confirmed from this current natural cycle, which should be any day now. 

I'm trying to focus on the positive and find at least a small ray of hope right now... I'm struggling to see the light, and feel like I'm trapped and being smothered by the darkness. I know I will get back up again, but for now, I feel like I just got the news of my BFN all over again... only this time worse... because what if this new protocol doesn't do the trick? My friends and support systems have been telling me not to focus on that until I have to... but I feel like we're getting dangerously close to that point where we have to figure out what is next. It makes me feel sick...