I Get Up Again

I don't know why, but I woke up today with a whole new attitude. I was talking to a friend last night about how sad I have been feeling, and let out all of the negative, bad, horrible thoughts that have been haunting me all week. By the end of the conversation, I had an epiphany.

When is it that we learn the most? When things go perfectly and we get what we want on our first try? No, of course not. We learn the most when we make mistakes. Failure is an opportunity for growth.

Well, all of the cycles that we have gone through on our TTC journey leading up to this last one have always gone so perfectly. That is, up until the negative results. Things seemed to be going so well, yet nothing was happening for us. I started to feel like we were "fixing" a problem that wasn't a problem around June.

Then this cycle comes along and turns out to be a colossal flop. It was looking so perfect up until our day three fertility report... Of our six embryos, two were in the normal range with seven cells, one of which with quite a bit of fragmentation. We transferred those, and the remaining four were growing slowly and behind the mark already. They didn't make it to freeze. We still have yet to find out if they grew anymore and just weren't good enough quality, or if they arrested on their own. From that point, I was worried. What if the two embryos that we transferred did the same thing? Well, it seems that they probably did considering we did not get pregnant.

As heartbreaking as this has been... at least now we know what the hell has been going on all this time. I am willing to bet that we've achieved fertilization most of the time that we have been trying... but our embryos just haven't been good enough to make it.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that I am starting to look at this awful failure of a cycle as a learning opportunity. I hope that now my doctor can see exactly what needs to be done to get me good and knocked up the next time around. I cannot wait for our WTF appointment on November 4th. I am hoping that my doctor will tell us that we are not a hopeless case and then tell us exactly how he plans to get us to our goal.

In the meantime, I'm getting back up again. To say I was knocked on my ass this past week is the understatement of the century. I didn't know that there were lows that low. I can't stay there for long. It'll do me in. So I'm getting up. I'm moving on. And I'm fighting back. FUIF!!!!!!