Wake-up Call

Did you ever have one of those moments when things happen and you get the sense that God is speaking directly to you? I'm not usually vocal at all about my religion, and I don't mean to get all "God Squad" on you here, but this morning I got a wake-up call from God himself ;)

Yesterday was a bad day... I was feeling so sad and low... I could hardly get myself moving. Those feelings rolled right over into this morning. I woke up feeling like the weight of the world was pushing me down and keeping me pinned to my bed. My body felt tense and heavy, my mind felt groggy, and my spirit felt broken and exhausted. I couldn't move if I tried, and even John noticed that I was struggling. He turned the lights on to try and wake me up, and I snapped at him to turn them off and leave me alone. I'm not the type of person who can just roll out of bed in the morning and walk out the door; I need time to go through my morning routine (shower, breakfast, hair & make-up, walk the dogs). The clock was ticking down and I didn't care that I wouldn't have enough time to do it all.

After John reluctantly left for work, I picked up my phone to look at my Facebook newsfeed. Among the usual filigree that you'd find on your newsfeed, there were two posts that caught my eye immediately:

1. New York Road Runners (NYRR)'s Post:
   "NYRR has been a significant part of my life for the past year. I began to work on my 9+1 credits early this January, with steady races scheduled up until about June. I found out this summer that I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer... that limited my ability to run for some time. After the dust settled a bit... I realized that I still had to complete my credits to qualify for next year's Marathon. What better way to say 'I kicked cancer's butt' than by running the New York City Marathon the following year? This will be a tough completion to the 9+1, but I feel like pulling through will mean so much more to me this time around than if I did not have these obstacles. Thanks for the inspiration! And I can't WAIT to run the Marathon next year!" - Lauren J.
2. Twinkie's Post on IDOB:
   "After yet another 'ghost line' this morning on a wondfo, I was convinced that these must be evaps. I dipped a FRER [to] confirm my suspicions and a second line popped up right away! I think I got my BFP this morning! I can't believe it, I am still in shock. It's light, but no squinting necessary..."

I don't know if I can fully describe how these two posts made me feel, but I'm going to try. Here I am, feeling sorry for myself, feeling shattered, broken, and hopeless, and there is Lauren J telling her story of hope and triumph. She's fighting hard to kick cancer's ass. She has been dealt a hand far sucky-er (suckier? Just go with it) than mine, yet she's not laying down and admitting defeat. She WILL run the NYC Marathon next year. And I WILL run the NYC Marathon again in the future. 

Then there's Twinkie... Girl, I know you're probably reading this, so I'll try to keep from getting too mushy. But in all honesty, Twinkie, you are my hero lately! I've been stalking your blog ever since you started it, and had been keeping up with you on IDOB and TB long before that. For those of you who are unfamiliar with her story, here's the cliff notes version: Twinkie recently went through IVF#1. Everything was going fine until right before her transfer... none of her embryos made it to transfer. She did not let this keep her down. She got right back in there for IVF#2. You ever hear that cliche "It only takes one" ?? Well, that's true in this case. Twinkie had literally one embryo make it to transfer and none of the rest made it to freeze. And that's the one that took and is showing that glorious little pink line today!! Twinkie, I'm SO HAPPY for you! You gave me hope when I really thought I was tapped out... seeing your post today literally brought me to tears (tears of joy, hope and inspiration). I am praying that your beta goes well!!

So there you have it. God did speak to me this morning. He made it possible for those two posts to be there right when I needed to see them the most. He made it possible for Lauren J and Twinkie to have a miracle today. It was like he reached through my cell phone screen himself and said, "Cici... get yer ass outta bed. You are a warrior. Miracles happen everyday, and yours is coming soon." 

And you know what? Miracles do happen everyday. Today, mine is that I got out of bed and made it to work (somehow early... I don't know how!!). 

This is getting ridiculous

Ugh. It's one of those sleepless nights. This is so frustrating!!!! I am tired. Exhausted. But I can't shut my brain down to be able to sleep. I hate this. Isn't it enough that IF takes away stability, happiness, marathons, and pretty much the joy from every possible situation? Does it have to rob us of our sleep too?? Ugh.

I just put in for a sick day for tomorrow. I can't see myself falling asleep any time soon, and the alarm is set to go off in three hours. I feel so guilty about missing my 5th graders for their lessons tomorrow. And it makes me cringe to know that we haven't even been in session for two months yet and I've already been out for 3.5 days (now 4.5) thanks to IF appointments. Ugh.

I am going to step away from the blog and try to sleep. First, I am turning the alarm off. I'm sure John will wake me and say, "Don't you have to get up for work?!" That'll probably be the second I finally get myself to sleep.

I hate this.

I feel so angry. And sad.

I can't explain why I feel the way I do. One minute, I'm fine. The next, a wave of sadness and anger washes over me and I don't know what brought it on. Will this ever get better?

I Get Up Again

I don't know why, but I woke up today with a whole new attitude. I was talking to a friend last night about how sad I have been feeling, and let out all of the negative, bad, horrible thoughts that have been haunting me all week. By the end of the conversation, I had an epiphany.

When is it that we learn the most? When things go perfectly and we get what we want on our first try? No, of course not. We learn the most when we make mistakes. Failure is an opportunity for growth.

Well, all of the cycles that we have gone through on our TTC journey leading up to this last one have always gone so perfectly. That is, up until the negative results. Things seemed to be going so well, yet nothing was happening for us. I started to feel like we were "fixing" a problem that wasn't a problem around June.

Then this cycle comes along and turns out to be a colossal flop. It was looking so perfect up until our day three fertility report... Of our six embryos, two were in the normal range with seven cells, one of which with quite a bit of fragmentation. We transferred those, and the remaining four were growing slowly and behind the mark already. They didn't make it to freeze. We still have yet to find out if they grew anymore and just weren't good enough quality, or if they arrested on their own. From that point, I was worried. What if the two embryos that we transferred did the same thing? Well, it seems that they probably did considering we did not get pregnant.

As heartbreaking as this has been... at least now we know what the hell has been going on all this time. I am willing to bet that we've achieved fertilization most of the time that we have been trying... but our embryos just haven't been good enough to make it.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that I am starting to look at this awful failure of a cycle as a learning opportunity. I hope that now my doctor can see exactly what needs to be done to get me good and knocked up the next time around. I cannot wait for our WTF appointment on November 4th. I am hoping that my doctor will tell us that we are not a hopeless case and then tell us exactly how he plans to get us to our goal.

In the meantime, I'm getting back up again. To say I was knocked on my ass this past week is the understatement of the century. I didn't know that there were lows that low. I can't stay there for long. It'll do me in. So I'm getting up. I'm moving on. And I'm fighting back. FUIF!!!!!!

I am Fighting a Battle

...and getting my ass kicked! It sounds sad, but for some reason, right now I'm not sad. It helps to look at it that way. I'm fighting. That means that I'm not just laying there taking the beating. Yes, I'm getting my ass kicked at the moment, but I'm still fighting.

My Garmin is also fighting right now. A few of my friends on Facebook made some suggestions on how to do a reset... nothing worked. One friend said that her husband's watch did the same thing and it was done-zo. They got a new watch. But for some reason this morning, I decided to plug it in just one more time. I just looked at it a few hours later... it's actually showing the correct time and that it is 86% charged! Does that mean that Garmy is coming back to me?!?

I feel that my period is on the way. I panicked this morning at work because I couldn't find any tampons. Luckily, I found two in the side zipper which I never use. Whew. It didn't matter though, because I don't have my period yet.

Fertility Friend thinks I'm pregnant. Asshole. It has stopped predicting CD1 and is showing up to CD34 through the end of October.

I had an observation today, and I thought it was pretty rough. My vice principal was very impressed with it though. I don't understand... I feel like I'm a horrible teacher, but by everyone else's standards I'm doing a great job. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself.

I'm going back today for another therapy session. Last night's was good, though short. It's impossible to catch a total stranger up on the happenings of an entire life in just an hour. When talking about this past cycle, I said, "It didn't work. It failed." He said, "I like the sound of 'it didn't work' a lot better than 'it failed.'" To which I replied, "But it's true. It did fail. And it could be worse, I could say 'they all died' instead." He laughed at that and said I was right. He has a good sense of humor. It's a good thing because I need to find some humor in my life right now. Everything has been so sad.

Ok, so maybe if Garmy can make a comeback, so can I. He's almost all the way charged up and still showing the correct time. Maybe when I unplug him he will work all on his own. Maybe I just need to plug in and get recharged for a while. Who knows!

My Garmin is Dead

How appropriate. My Garmin watch won't turn on. Won't take a charge. I think its heart is broken because it was cast to the side.

I'm going for a short, light, easy run today with or without my Garmin. I haven't run since October 2nd. That last run was three miles with Amanda. She filled me in about her vacation to Vegas and the status of our runner friends from Team Bacon. I filled her in on the plans for the cycle. She has been waiting in the wings for my NYC Marathon bib. I'll have to call her to make plans to go to the expo with her that weekend. I have to go to show my ID to get the bib. And then I'll hand it over to her. And I'll probably cry.

I made an appointment with a therapist for this evening. I was talking to him on the phone when scheduling the appointment, and he asked why I was seeking therapy. I could hardly make it through a sentence without crying. I am welling up even just typing this. I am sure I will spend the entire session in tears.

Well, I was able to jiggle my Garmen so that now the screen has changed while it is connected to the charger. It's still not doing what it is supposed to do. But at least it is doing something.

BFN

I had my beta this morning, and even though I knew in my heart that it was negative, it still hurt like hell when the doctor told me over the phone that the pregnancy test was negative. 

The doctors will have a meeting on Monday night to discuss all of the new and failed IVF cases. Our case will be discussed and analyzed step by step to figure out why it failed. We will then meet with our doctor next week to discuss the results.

In the meantime, I am to stop taking Estrace & progesterone (thank god), and in a few days I will have a period.

Before this cycle, I decided that I would give my NYC Marathon spot to a friend if this failed. I hoped that it wouldn't come to this... but it seems that it has. I don't want to give away my spot. I want to keep it and run the race next year. But I know that's not a good plan. The real hope is that I will become pregnant and then I'll be in no shape to run a marathon on November 2, 2014. Dammmmmmit. I even got onto the upper level of the Verrazano Bridge this time. 

The doctor said that I can start running again. But I feel things happening in my ovaries, and I'm afraid to go right now. I will probably wait a day or two and see how I feel. Even when I do go for a run again, it's not like I can go out for a long time. I'm going to have to start from square one and build up from nothing. I am not looking forward to that process. Being demoted to beginner status, when I have 10 marathons under my belt... a PR of 3:42:54. That's an average of 8:30 minutes per mile... I don't even know if I could run one mile at that pace right now.

I never knew about my strengths until I became a runner. And then infertility took them all away. Bitch. I will get them back. I will be stronger and faster after all of this. I will feel invincible again. Like I am flying. But today... today, I grieve. I grieve the loss of two dreams in one day. 

Why do I keep torturing myself?

I know it is over. This morning's BFN was no different from the others. Yet I am still planning to test again tomorrow morning before my beta. Why? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

A fellow bumpie posted this link which I've seen a bunch of times: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer ...and then there goes the hope again. What is the matter with me? A FRER would have picked up on it by now. I know this.

What I want to know is when will I be cleared to go running again? I'm going insane over here. I freaking sneezed this morning and had a jolting muscle spasm in my diaphragm. My core is really that weak that I can't sneeze without hurting myself? I'm sick of feeling like my body is weak. It is starting to convince my mind of the same thing.

Part of me wants to say, screw it, and lace up for a run. But the other part of me knows better. If I can't sneeze without feeling it in my ovaries, then it's probably not a good idea to go bouncing along.

This is torture. I just want it to be Tuesday afternoon already so I can get my call with the results from my beta. I need to hear the concrete news so I can stop torturing myself and just move on.

I Feel Like It Is Over

9dp3dt, BFN on a FRER. I think it is over. Waiting for beta on Tuesday to confirm.

So I guess after that, we'll have a WTF meeting. The problem is not John. His SA has always been top notch. Fertilization is not it... all six mature eggs fertilized. Egg quality... my thin lining... it's me. I am the problem.

Scared...

I have been told by many that hopefully it is too early, but this morning's BFN shook me. It feels all too familiar... the end of a cycle where the same disappointing result is just around the corner. I don't know if I can bear another heartbreak.

Somehow I have restored my hope for tomorrow and am going to test again in the morning. John will not approve. He asked me to just wait for the beta. Does he have any idea how impossible of a request that was?!?

I'm not asking for much here (yes I am), just a little line. It can be faint, but let it be there.

If it is not there tomorrow... is it still "too soon?" It'll be harder to find hope after that.

This is torture. TORTURE. I just wish we could get to the conclusion right now, whatever it is. At this point, it is or it isn't. A few more days won't change the fact. But it might just do me in waiting around to find out!!!!

Wish Stitch

Stitching complete! Just needs a wash, iron, mount & frame.

Does this mean my wish will finally come true?

Feeling Better

I tell ya, progesterone is an evil bitch! My mood just keeps ebbing and flowing, but at least at this particular moment it is up :)

I went in for blood work this morning. This was to check and make sure my progesterone and Estrace doses are what they need to be. No call means the dose is good, and just continue on. So far, no call (I am not-so-secretly hoping to get a call to tell me to do less progesterone!!).

I tested out my trigger this morning. First of all, testing with FMU is really cruel on the eyes. I am pretty sure that line is gone, though there might have been the faintest trace of a line. Like I said, it's hard to focus the eyes at 5:30am!

When to test next? I'm thinking of waiting until Sunday which would be 9dp3dt. I am scared to test again...

Thinking about the what ifs are really depressing. We have no frosties, so if this is a bust then we're going to have to do this all over again. And then why, why oh why, didn't our embies do well?? I'm already very disappointed that we only got two hopefully good embryos... And then I read that the more fragmentation there is, the lower the success rate for that little embryo to attach... one of our two transferred had quite a bit of fragmentation.

The 2WW for an IVF cycle is exponentially more excruciating than any other type of 2WW. There is nothing to do at this point, but wait... and worry... and try to distract my mind. Ugh.

At least this time, with the amount of hormones I'm on, I can count on actually making it to my beta. That's never happened before. Stupid AF always cutting things short.

I am rambling. There's nothing else to do! GAH! This is torture!!

At least my mood is good at the moment. I'll take it!!

Pissy Mood and a Pee Stick

I am in the pissiest mood. And I don't even know why!!! Damn you, progesterone. 

I tested out my trigger this morning. Squinter, so I guess I'll test it out again tomorrow.

The first time I've ever seen a squinter. Trigger's still in my system. 

Yeah, I'm still pissy as all hell. Hmmph. 

When to Pee on Things?

Today I spent the whole day convincing myself that I was experiencing implantation cramping. I am. I refuse to believe otherwise. My two embryos have to still be alive....

So tomorrow, if I remember I will test out my trigger. Then how soon is too soon to start testing for real? John doesn't want me to test at all.... Not happening!!! Maybe Saturday?

No Frosties :(

Well, I take it that we have no frosties since we haven't gotten a call from embryology. I'm so sad that none of the four made it to freeze. Who knows how the two that were transferred are doing. All I can do is hope that they continue to grow and are strong. I can't imagine how I'm going to survive eight whole days until my beta.

I just want to go home and curl up in a ball and snuggle with my dogs. But they'll be all romp-a-room when I get home. And I have to teach lessons tonight.

The progesterone is making me feel nauseous... and crampy... and leaky. And I keep waking up with headaches. I'm a real joy to be around right now. Ugh. I can't even stand the sight of my complaining in this blog.

Progesterone sucks.

It is messy and gross. And makes me feel like my period is coming any second. I know that it isn't possible at this point, but it is really annoying. I feel crampy and nauseous. And I'm leaking. Gross.

PUPO!!

The most beautiful 14 cells I have ever seen in my entire life <3

I am officially PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)!! I called the lab this morning and they told me that the transfer would be today. I wasn't exactly thrilled at first that we were having a three day transfer, but you know what... Everything has always gone perfectly in the past and it didn't work. So what if this isn't ideal? It is still a million times closer we have ever come to actually achieving pregnancy! I hope so hard that this works.

The two above pre-embryos are the strongest two of the six. They are 7 cells each (normal range for day three is 6-10 cells). The remaining four embabies are still in the lab being observed. They are slow growers and are each 4-5 cells. Hopefully they will catch up and make it to freeze. We will find out if we get a call on Sunday or Monday [no call means they didn't make it :( ...].

To my dear embryos,
Please, please, please stick around. I promise to give you the best I can for the rest of my life. I love you!!
Xoxo,
Mama

Keep that Phone Quiet

My doctor told me after egg retrieval that if we get a call from him within the next five days, we should sit down because it's not good news. My heart leaped into my throat this morning when i was driving to work and the phone rang. Thank god it was just a colleague calling to ask me to cover her morning duty!!

So far, so good. No calls from the doctor or embryologists. I have to call tomorrow morning at 8:30am to find out if we'll do a 3- or 5-day transfer. From my understanding, if there are less than four embryos at that point, then we will do the three day transfer. If four or more remain, then they'll let them keep growing until Sunday and we'll transfer the best two embryos. Nervous doesn't begin to describe how I feel!!

I keep using Google Maps on my phone to point myself in the directions of my embryos and send them all the loving, growing vibes I can :) I even asked John to wave as he passed by the exit on his way to work. He said, "You're not going cooky on me, now are you?" Ummmm.... have you been paying attention recently?! LOL.

Six Little Embies Growing in a Dish

Yesterday was the egg retrieval, and things went very smoothly from what I can tell. John & I arrived at the office at 8:25am and were taken back to prep for surgery about 15 minutes after that. I had to change out of my clothes and empty my bladder three times before going into the OR. I didn't even know my bladder had anything in it because I hadn't had anything to eat or drink since about 11:00pm the night before!

The nurse sat down with me and went through all of the pre-opp paper work. I got a lovely sticker for my forehead (a thermometer) and a hair net too. She did a baseline of my vital signs and asked if I exercised a lot. John told her that I was a marathon runner which explained my low resting heart rate. I was instructed to take Pepcid and Vistaril the night and morning before to help with nausea (I had some wicked nausea after the laparoscopy). Then came the most dreaded part: the IV. Yuck, yuck, yuck, I hate IVs. It hurt. And remained uncomfortable the entire time it was in me. Even still, I have a bruise. I was given some Tums to chew (as my breakfast, haha!) and then off we went to the OR.

When I got in there, they were working so efficiently to get me set up. It was really overwhelming! The anesthesiologist started asking me questions about my honeymoon (presumably to distract me and get me talking so she could do her job). "We went to Hawaii... Maui, Kauai and one day on Honolulu... we did it all: scuba diving, helicopter ride, zip lining..." OUT COLD!

Next, I was waking up in the recovery room. The nurse came in to report that they retrieved 10 eggs! Yay!! After a few minutes, the nurse propped me up a bit and gave me some ginger ale and crackers. John was starving so I shared with him (why didn't he think to have breakfast?!?!) and I'm happy to report that I felt no nausea! The doctor came in to speak to us. I asked him why we only get one call from the embryologist. He said that we don't want a call especially from him within the next five days. If he calls, we should sit down. Yikes! Ok, please don't call me!!

After emptying my almost empty bladder yet again, the nurses instructed me to get dressed and I was released. I sent a few quick updates to the Dreamers, and when we got home, I knocked the eff out!! I tried to have some more crackers while lying in bed... I literally fell asleep mid-chew. When I woke up, I had half an eaten cracker in one hand, a glass of water in the other, and a mostly chewed but not yet swallowed cracker in my mouth. LOL!

I was awake for a few hours, and gave some more updates to the Dreamers and the IF and 3T boards on The Bump. My friend even shouted me out on SAIF! So much love was pouring in!! Then I knocked out again and was out for the rest of the night (thankfully no crackers in my mouth this time).

I woke up this morning, and checked my ringer about 10 times, charged my phone, and then sat and stared at it until it rang. I was supposed to get a call between 8-10:00am this morning from the embryologist. This would be the only call that I would get unless they instructed me to call again. Otherwise, I wouldn't get to speak to the embryologist until the day of transfer.

The call came quickly: 6 mature eggs, 6 fertilized (3 with ICSI and 3 with traditional IVF, therefore we will not need ICSI in the future). I am to call the Somerset Office on Friday morning at 8:30am for an additional report. If there are two that stand out at that point (ei: if there are less than four remaining...) then they'll do the transfer on Friday. But if they're all looking good, then we'll do the transfer on Sunday.

Ideally, we will make it to a 5-day transfer. I am hoping, wishing, and praying that our six little embryos are growing stronger by the minute. I MISS THEM!!! I feel so weird knowing that they're not in my body anymore!!

Dear Embryos,
GROW, EMBIES, GROW!!!!
With so much love it makes me want to cry,
Your Mama xoxo

'Twas the Night Before ER

I couldn't be more excited right now! It's CRAZY to me that in 12 hours from now, I'll be getting prepped for ER. In 24 hours from now, I should have embryos! As far as I know, we have never had embryos before... I already love them so much, and they're not even here yet.

Feeling Better!

I went in for blood work this morning and saw my doctor while he was in between exams. He is generally pretty quiet and doesn't show much emotion, but as I was walking into the lab he was all smiles. He popped his head in and asked me how I was doing. I told him that I was doing ok, but feeling nervous about what Dr. R had said to me on the phone last night. He looked confused so I went on to say that I had fluid in my lining earlier in my cycle and that my lining was borderline too thin, so she requested another ultrasound before egg retrieval. He went to look at my file, and when he came back he said that he wasn't concerned in the least. Apparently the fluid is something that happens, but it won't cause us any problems since it has resolved. He also feels that my lining is fine and that it is measuring according to its normal pattern. Big, huge sigh of relief!

I sat down for a minute with the nurse to sign the pre-opp release and get instructions for tomorrow. No food or drink after midnight tonight, I have to take a few Pepcids and Vistarils after dinner, John will drive me and stay with me for the next 24 hours, no make-up or jewelry (wedding rings are fine), no scented lotions, yada yada... EEEEEEEE!!! My egg retrieval is TOMORROW!

Thank you, blog stalkers, for your continual positive thoughts and good vibes :) I am feeling the love! And I'm also feeling a lot better than I did yesterday. ((hugs)) to you all!

Thin Lining

CD9, E2 1771, 8 large follies. I'm taking the HCG trigger tonight (no Lupron necessary). I go in for blood work tomorrow. Egg retrieval is scheduled for 9:30am on Tuesday. We need to arrive at 8:30am.

Apparently there was fluid in my lining on previous ultrasounds. It's gone now, but my lining is borderline too low. Apparently it is trilaminar which is good. But I have to have an extra ultrasound before my egg retrieval to check and make sure my lining is thick enough.

I'm guessing this could mean that I might have to do a freeze all... which means that we'd have to wait for the next cycle to transfer anything.

There goes the 2014 NYC Marathon :(

Life without Marching Band

I just have to say that it is a lovely Saturday. It is a beautiful day! The sun is shining, I took Coda to class this morning, cleaned up a bit around the house, spent some time outside with the dogs, got a mani-pedi... I feel so relaxed right now :) Life without marching band is pretty awesome!

Don't get me wrong. I loved the seven seasons I spent working with my brother's marching band (I did NOT love the two seasons I spent with the other marching band. Ick). But having my nights and weekends to myself is sooooo nice. I do miss seeing my brother four to five times a week, and being a part of something great (those kids work so hard. They truly want to be their best and play the crap outta their show!). But it is reeeeeeeeally nice to be home on this fine Saturday rather than out on the field thinking about the laundry that is piling up, and the house is a total mess.

Does that mean that the laundry isn't piled up right now? Bahahahahaha! Of course it is! But that's because I'm choosing to be lazy rather than simply not having the time to stick a load in :)

* :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) * :) *

CD8: tonight is the eighth night of stims. I can't believe how fast the past week went! Thank god, because the week before it absolutely c-r-a-w-l-e-d. What's on tap for tonight? 175iu of Follistim, two vials of Menopur, and a vile of Cetrotide. My belly has a trail of injection sites and thankfully only one little bruise. I wonder how much longer I'll be stimming. I'm looking forward to my ultrasound tomorrow. I hope those follies are getting nice and plump :) It's crazy to think that my egg retrieval will be within a few days!! 

Moving Right Along

My 11 follies are growing steadily. The evidence: my ultrasound from this morning, and my bloated belly. My E2 levels went up to 558, the follies are measuring between 10-15mm, and my lining is up to 6.2mm.

I'm increasing the Follistim to 175iu over the next two nights along with the two vials of Menopur and Cetrotide.

I'm going back for monitoring on Sunday morning. That is all :)

Ouch!

Tonight's shots hurt a little more than the others. And it was particularly stressful because it wasn't going so well...

The first shot was a mixture of 150iu Follistim and two vials of Menopur. It just seems like too many drops came out of the needle while I was trying to get the air bubbles out of the syringe... I'm trying to reassure myself that the 1/2 cc of saline dilutes the whole mixture to accommodate the wasted drops here and there.

Then the Cetrotide... yeesh. I had to remember how to mix it up, so I was going back over a month ago in my head... read the directions, and, ok, no problem. I remember this. That needle hurts!! And once I got it in and started to push the plunger, I noticed an air bubble. And then I panicked and pulled the damn thing out. So then I had to re-stick the needle again (ouch) and the air bubble was still there. Oh freaking well. I just did the injection with the stinking air bubble. My belly is still bleeding. I'm a dumbass!!

I know it's not a big deal, and that it's going to be ok. But it was a stressful experience. I'm trying to channel my inner zen and calm down. ::breathe in, breathe out::

On the plus side, I have monitoring in the morning. I'm so excited to see how my follies are doing :) I hope my babies are in there!!

IDOB Love!

IDOB Ladies: you are the best! Thank you for reassuring me. Talking me off the crazy ledge. Well, sorta. I'm going to stay up here in crazy land for the remainder of my IVF cycle. I think it comes with the territory :)

Seriously though, I feel so much better after hearing from the IVF vets specifically. You girls rock. Thank you <3

Ultrasound

Today's ultrasound showed the following:

Lining: 5.2
Right: 10, 12, 11, 11, 11, 12
Left: 10, 8, 12, 10, 10

I asked what my E2 levels were this past Monday: 76. Wait, what?! After two days of stims on the same dose of Follistim, my E2 levels were up to 360 last time. This time I've added a vial of Menopur to the mix, so why is it so much lower?

And back up a minute. My lining is 5.2? Well, that's disappointing. But maybe it's too early? And I did just bleed a lot after stopping the pill. Maybe my ute just needed a good shedding.

I don't know why I feel so disappointed. I guess I just expected my response to be the same as the last time. I guess the follie count is about the same for this point. Perhaps a slow rise in E2 is better? I don't know.

What I do know is that today's appointment cast a huge shadow of doubt in my mind. What if my eggs are poor quality? What if we don't get enough to work with? What if they all die away and this doesn't work?

I need to distract my mind from all of this... HA. That's impossible. Ugh.