Clarity.

You don't need to point out that I've been absent around here for a little while. I know, I know. I've been having a difficult time dealing with my reality ever since CD 1 (well, actually, since CD 22 of the previous cycle).

The truth is, I have been especially lost for the past two weeks. I have not felt like myself. The emotional roller coaster of IF takes me up for a day, sun is shining and I have hope, and the next day I come crashing down, it is gloomy and I have despair. This is the pattern that I have been going through daily without fail for the past two weeks.

Things got really confusing when I went to my WTF appointment with the RE. At our consultation, he presented us with three options for moving forward in the event that this cycle fails. I am convinced without a doubt in my mind that this cycle will fail. I know that is sad and horrible, and I need to think positive... But I'm not saying it as a cry for attention. I'm saying it because I really, truly, honest to goodness believe that will be our reality. I would love to be proven wrong, but I'm not holding my breath. Sigh... Anyway, here are the options we have for the next cycle:

1. Laparoscopy to look at my uterus and diagnose possible endometriosis. 
2. Injects with IUI
3. IVF

I have spent the past eight days tormenting myself over this decision, because I just didn't know which was the right one for us. Each option has it's pros and cons:

Option #1 - Lap:

• Pro: it is the only way to diagnose endometriosis.
• Pro: it will give the doctor the chance to look at my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes.
• Pro: it may give me peace of mind about my arcuate uterus diagnosis.
• Con: in order to do the lap, we will have to TTA for a full cycle.
• Con: it is a surgery which requires full anesthesia and a breathing tube.

Option #2 - Injects with IUI: 

• Pro: the injects may produce a better quality egg and increase our chances for success.
• Pro: the doctor will have the chance to figure out my medicine doses so that we have a better quality IVF cycle (should we get there)
• Con: I do not believe it will work. If I have had a "perfect" response with the clomid and IUI's, then why would there be an advantage with injects? I just don't believe the ovulation is the problem. It is deeper than that.

Option #3 - IVF:

• Pro: the chances for success are much higher.
• Pro: I believe it will work quickly for us.
• Con: it is a much more invasive form of treatment.
• Con: ER (egg retrieval) is a painful procedure.
• Con: if we cut right to IVF without ruling out Injects + IUI first, and if IVF fails... it will be devastating.

I went for a solo run tonight. It's been a while since I have run alone because I've been so lucky to have so many running buddies. But it was exactly what I needed to clear my head. Just me, my Brooks, and the road. I swear, a good run can solve any problem. I came home with so much: a clear head, a clear plan, and hope.

Not only did I work out the plan for the next cycle, but I also came up with a plan to train my body to prepare for pregnancy in the absence of marathon training. 

My Plan:

• I will do the lap in the next cycle. It will be hard to take a break from TTC, but I need it right now from a mental standpoint. Andplusalso (as Jodi would say), I just want to know what the hell is going on in there.
• We will decide on the following cycles after getting the results from the lap. For now, I'm letting myself off the hook. I don't want to think about it until I have to. IF is making me crazy.
• I am going to talk to the RE again about my training plans. I think I understand more clearly now what his main concern is about the running (he's worried about an ovarian torsion). I have been ultra conservative, and think that I can push myself a little bit more without putting myself or a baby at risk.
• I am going to get a new pair of running shoes. I've always wanted to try out a pair of Vibram FiveFinger shoes. This is a good time since I'd have to "ease my way in" for a while. 
• I am going to register for a race or two. Enough sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. And feeling slow. I'm going to get my damn speed back.
• I am going to keep track of my food intake on MyFitnessPal. I need to make sure that I'm eating enough, and the quality of my nutrition has been a little under par lately.
• I am going to continue living my life as happily as possible. It will probably be a while before I get pregnant. I need to accept that reality.

Yay for a plan!! I hope this is all I needed to finally get off the roller coaster. 

Top Left: I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. I can see all obstacles in my way...
Top Right: I am a warrior. Hear me RRROOOAAARRR!!! And I will have a little cub soon.
Bottom: Making progress on my cross stitch project.