Proud Auntie :)

I got a text from my brother last night announcing that he and my SIL were heading to the hospital. SIL will be induced in just over an hour from now, and hopefully my nephew will arrive safe and sound very shortly! 

I am thrilled to become an aunt again. I love all of my awesome nephews and nieces (even the "step-step-niece" who isn't technically my niece, but I consider her to be one). They are all blessings and they fill our family's lives with joy.

When you are dealing with infertility, however, joyous events like this are a little tainted. It's not that I don't feel happy for my brothers and sisters as they build their families. It's just that it is a reminder for me about how sad I feel that we are still waiting for our blessing.

I cannot believe that SIL has gone through an entire pregnancy already. I still remember the day that my brother announced the news at Easter dinner... I was so blindsided. I did my best to act happy in the initial moments as the news hit me in the face. I even managed to feign a smile and squeak out a "Congratulations!!" Then as the conversation moved away from my pathetic reaction, I quietly excused myself to "go to the bathroom." In reality, I grabbed my wine and went straight for the front porch. I couldn't keep the tears from spilling out, and I didn't want my family to see.

I guess my acting skills just stink, because it wasn't even thirty seconds before my brother was out on the porch with me. Ugh... now the tears were gushing out, and I had an audience... and worst yet, my brother was on the receiving end. I didn't want to cry to him because I didn't want to take away from his happy moment. But he left me no choice because he followed me out there. 

God bless him, he tried to make me feel better and smooth things over. And he really seemed to be understanding, and didn't seem to be upset at my reaction. This all happened about two weeks before we were scheduled to do our diagnostic cycle with the RE. To say that I was emotionally frail would be an understatement.

My brother tried his best, but then put his foot in his mouth when he said that I was "overreacting to the situation." It came out wrong, it wasn't what he meant, but it sent me into hysterical sobbing. I think he was trying to comfort me and tell me that everything would eventually be ok... but put into those words, I couldn't handle hearing any more.

Now here we are, nine months later... and the baby will be born any time now. I can't believe that we are still not pregnant... we don't even have the possibility of a "happy and healthy nine months" before we can say that we are finally parents. 

It makes me so sad... I know that some way, somehow, it will happen. But when?? Will they be genetically related to me and my husband? Will we have to pursue some other way? 

In spite of the above emotions, I was doing an amazing job of making it through my day. I had a great lesson with the Concert Band at work, and I was texting my brother to offer help and ask for updates. I was genuinely happy, and somehow at peace with the situation. Then I saw this...

This is the first thing that popped up in my News Feed.
I don't know why it surprised me so much!!

::stab to the heart:: I want to be part of the club too!!! I want to be a mother... I want to make my parents proud and produce a grandchild... I want my children to be close in age with their cousins... I just want my babies RIGHT NOW!!!! :(

I'm taking a deep breath and moving on with my day. In about three minutes, I'll have five eager flute students bursting through the door anxiously awaiting their lesson with Mrs. Z. I have to push all of this aside and find my inner warrior.

IVF#2 Meds

Meds are in the house!

Up and Down

In case you didn't notice, we're still strapped in tight on the infertility roller coaster. Up and down we go. Every time it seems like we get lower and lower. Pretty soon, I might become a permanent resident of hell if we keep going at this rate!

Fortunately, today is an 'up' day. I woke up to a good, solid post-O temp this morning. I'm going in tomorrow morning to get blood work done and confirm O. I'll likely start estrogen priming by the end of the week. And I get to go pick up my 'Party in a Bag' from the pharmacy this weekend. It feels like we are going somewhere again :)

I am doing my best to be positive and hopeful about IVF#2, but it is really challenging to have that attitude. After what happened with IVF#1, I feel nervous and afraid that we might get the same results. If we do, the end of the road for a biological child gets a lot closer. I am praying that IVF#1 was just a horrible fluke... that it was just a bad batch of eggs... that this next batch will be better. I have to keep reminding myself that the doctors learned a lot from IVF#1, and the adjustments to the meds might be exactly what we need to finally get pregnant.

Speaking of meds, I was looking over the order my doctor sent into the pharmacy. Holy cow!! He ordered three vials of Follistim (900iu!!!)... Twenty vials of Menopur... Five doses of Cetrotide... 15 doses of HGH.... That's a whole lotta meds!! But you know what? Pump me up! I will do anything to make this happen! (Remind me that I said that when I start boo-hooing about all the side effects!)

<3 <3 <3

Mystery O

I had my practice transfer and saline sono last Friday. The doctor wanted to run those tests again because they had to use a different catheter than planned for IVF#1's ET, and he wanted to double check that there wasn't any scarring in my ute. After repeating both procedures he said, "The problem is not here." The practice transfer went as perfectly as a practice transfer could go. And there was no scarring in my uterus. Which means another count against my egg quality as the real problem.... :(

BUT!!! My lining measured in at 8.5 which is the highest it has ever been! ::happy dance:: I guess the witch doctory and wizardry worked. I will continue to consume Brazil nuts and pomegranate juice. I have also made the decision to completely cut out alcohol and caffeine indefinitely.

I was so, completely certain that I had ovulated last week on Wednesday. It made perfect sense. It was CD14, my skin was breaking out like crazy, my CM was consistent with the theory, and my temp was pre-O on Wednesday morning and rose to my post-O range on Thursday. I was concerned that this would short change the plan to do estrogen priming. I told my doctor, and he ran my progesterone on Friday and had me come back in today to confirm O.

Then on Saturday... my temp dropped back down. And it stayed down on Sunday and Monday. UGH!!! I got a call from the weekend doctor on Saturday to tell me that my progesterone did not indicate that I had ovulated yet. UGGGHHH!!!! I spent the rest of the weekend feeling like a TTC newbie all over again. NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ANY SENSE!!! (It never does, lol)

I went back in for another progesterone draw this morning and spoke to the head nurse. I was starting to get concerned that maybe I was going to have an anovulatory cycle. This was stressing me out because the last day to get in for the last cycle of the year is November 20th. I figured that I'd get my period before then (with or without O), so my main concern was that an anovulatory cycle would sabotage our plans to do the estrogen priming. 

I know. I'm completely babbling. And psyching myself out. At this point, however, it was too late. My thoughts were consumed by all this nonsense for too long, there was no turning back.

All that to say that I just got a call from my doctor. My progesterone levels are rising (comparing Friday's to today's). He said that I either had just ovulated or am ovulating right now. I'm putting my money on ovulating right now considering my temp was still low this morning. I will go back in on Thursday for another progesterone draw to confirm O and then hopefully start estrogen priming.

::big breath::

I swear, if my temp is low again tomorrow morning, I'm going to throw a hissy fit. o_O

Searching for Hope

I'm still having a hard time shaking off the depression that set in after our WTF appointment yesterday. For the most part, I completely expected everything the doctor said to us, but it was so hard to hear the words come out of his mouth. He said that he was surprised at the lack of egg quality... that he didn't expect egg quality to be our issue... he thought that since we were "working with the eggs of a 31 year old, he didn't expect them to look like the eggs of a 41 year old. Especially when none of our initial tests indicated that there might be an egg quality issue." 

After getting our Day 3 Fertility Report, I knew that was our problem... Initially, I was thrilled to learn the day after ER that we had 10 eggs retrieved, 6 mature, 6 fertilized... but by day three, only two stood out in the 'normal range' and even they were poor quality. The remaining four were 'growing slowly' and stopped growing all together by day 5. We have no way to know for certain, but it is likely that the two we transferred also stopped growing shortly after... it's so deeply upsetting...

We decided that we don't want to waste any time, and we'll get back in there for IVF#2 at the first opportunity. We are going to use the same protocol (Follistim, Menopur, Cetrotide) and increase the doses. In addition, we'll do estrogen priming and HGH (a steroid to give egg quality a boost). This will all begin after O is confirmed from this current natural cycle, which should be any day now. 

I'm trying to focus on the positive and find at least a small ray of hope right now... I'm struggling to see the light, and feel like I'm trapped and being smothered by the darkness. I know I will get back up again, but for now, I feel like I just got the news of my BFN all over again... only this time worse... because what if this new protocol doesn't do the trick? My friends and support systems have been telling me not to focus on that until I have to... but I feel like we're getting dangerously close to that point where we have to figure out what is next. It makes me feel sick...

WTF Appointment

We had our WTF appointment this afternoon. I was completely expecting to hear everything the doctor said to us, but it still shook me to the core.

We will be starting IVF#2 as soon as ovulation from this cycle is confirmed. The protocol will mostly stay the same with a few tweaks. We will be using a higher dose of the Follistim & Menopur. We will also do Estrogen Priming (to start one week before my period). And we will also be adding a steroid to the mix, Human Growth Hormone, to help boost egg quality.

This should make for an interesting Thanksgiving weekend. I have already written off the holiday season... it's going to be tainted with the stress of infertility no matter how you look at it. I guess there is some hope for Christmas. But if this cycle goes anything like the last one... I don't see how anything could be merry for a long while.

Picking Up the Pieces

I am broken. Shattered. Every single piece of me; body, mind, heart, and soul is scattered in a million little pieces.

Every day is a battle. At times, it seems like I don't have the energy to fight back. It feels like I am laying down, and letting the universe kick the shit out of me.

Fortunately, those stretches of time are getting shorter. A week ago... I was down and out for the count. I was so heartbroken... I can honestly say that I had no hope. None whatsoever.

But today... I'm still broken. I'm still in a million separate pieces. But I'm picking them up one by one, and trying to put them back together the way they belong.

Even on the days when I felt no hope, I have still been taking my PNVs. I have really come to resent those two pill bottles. First of all, why are they called ONE-a-day PNVs if I have to take TWO pills? What a hoax. But more importantly, every time I twist the bottles open and take them out, I think, "What's the point?" But something deep down inside convinces me to swallow them down every day.

Today when I was taking my PNVs, I realized something: even on my darkest days, I still have hope. Even on the days when I thought I had no hope, I had hope. I didn't even know it, but how else would I have swallowed down my PNVs in the face of BFN after BFN?

I am broken, but I am not hopeless. And for now, that's ok.