BFN

I had my beta this morning, and even though I knew in my heart that it was negative, it still hurt like hell when the doctor told me over the phone that the pregnancy test was negative. 

The doctors will have a meeting on Monday night to discuss all of the new and failed IVF cases. Our case will be discussed and analyzed step by step to figure out why it failed. We will then meet with our doctor next week to discuss the results.

In the meantime, I am to stop taking Estrace & progesterone (thank god), and in a few days I will have a period.

Before this cycle, I decided that I would give my NYC Marathon spot to a friend if this failed. I hoped that it wouldn't come to this... but it seems that it has. I don't want to give away my spot. I want to keep it and run the race next year. But I know that's not a good plan. The real hope is that I will become pregnant and then I'll be in no shape to run a marathon on November 2, 2014. Dammmmmmit. I even got onto the upper level of the Verrazano Bridge this time. 

The doctor said that I can start running again. But I feel things happening in my ovaries, and I'm afraid to go right now. I will probably wait a day or two and see how I feel. Even when I do go for a run again, it's not like I can go out for a long time. I'm going to have to start from square one and build up from nothing. I am not looking forward to that process. Being demoted to beginner status, when I have 10 marathons under my belt... a PR of 3:42:54. That's an average of 8:30 minutes per mile... I don't even know if I could run one mile at that pace right now.

I never knew about my strengths until I became a runner. And then infertility took them all away. Bitch. I will get them back. I will be stronger and faster after all of this. I will feel invincible again. Like I am flying. But today... today, I grieve. I grieve the loss of two dreams in one day. 

Why do I keep torturing myself?

I know it is over. This morning's BFN was no different from the others. Yet I am still planning to test again tomorrow morning before my beta. Why? I guess I'm a glutton for punishment.

A fellow bumpie posted this link which I've seen a bunch of times: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer ...and then there goes the hope again. What is the matter with me? A FRER would have picked up on it by now. I know this.

What I want to know is when will I be cleared to go running again? I'm going insane over here. I freaking sneezed this morning and had a jolting muscle spasm in my diaphragm. My core is really that weak that I can't sneeze without hurting myself? I'm sick of feeling like my body is weak. It is starting to convince my mind of the same thing.

Part of me wants to say, screw it, and lace up for a run. But the other part of me knows better. If I can't sneeze without feeling it in my ovaries, then it's probably not a good idea to go bouncing along.

This is torture. I just want it to be Tuesday afternoon already so I can get my call with the results from my beta. I need to hear the concrete news so I can stop torturing myself and just move on.

I Feel Like It Is Over

9dp3dt, BFN on a FRER. I think it is over. Waiting for beta on Tuesday to confirm.

So I guess after that, we'll have a WTF meeting. The problem is not John. His SA has always been top notch. Fertilization is not it... all six mature eggs fertilized. Egg quality... my thin lining... it's me. I am the problem.

Scared...

I have been told by many that hopefully it is too early, but this morning's BFN shook me. It feels all too familiar... the end of a cycle where the same disappointing result is just around the corner. I don't know if I can bear another heartbreak.

Somehow I have restored my hope for tomorrow and am going to test again in the morning. John will not approve. He asked me to just wait for the beta. Does he have any idea how impossible of a request that was?!?

I'm not asking for much here (yes I am), just a little line. It can be faint, but let it be there.

If it is not there tomorrow... is it still "too soon?" It'll be harder to find hope after that.

This is torture. TORTURE. I just wish we could get to the conclusion right now, whatever it is. At this point, it is or it isn't. A few more days won't change the fact. But it might just do me in waiting around to find out!!!!

Wish Stitch

Stitching complete! Just needs a wash, iron, mount & frame.

Does this mean my wish will finally come true?

Feeling Better

I tell ya, progesterone is an evil bitch! My mood just keeps ebbing and flowing, but at least at this particular moment it is up :)

I went in for blood work this morning. This was to check and make sure my progesterone and Estrace doses are what they need to be. No call means the dose is good, and just continue on. So far, no call (I am not-so-secretly hoping to get a call to tell me to do less progesterone!!).

I tested out my trigger this morning. First of all, testing with FMU is really cruel on the eyes. I am pretty sure that line is gone, though there might have been the faintest trace of a line. Like I said, it's hard to focus the eyes at 5:30am!

When to test next? I'm thinking of waiting until Sunday which would be 9dp3dt. I am scared to test again...

Thinking about the what ifs are really depressing. We have no frosties, so if this is a bust then we're going to have to do this all over again. And then why, why oh why, didn't our embies do well?? I'm already very disappointed that we only got two hopefully good embryos... And then I read that the more fragmentation there is, the lower the success rate for that little embryo to attach... one of our two transferred had quite a bit of fragmentation.

The 2WW for an IVF cycle is exponentially more excruciating than any other type of 2WW. There is nothing to do at this point, but wait... and worry... and try to distract my mind. Ugh.

At least this time, with the amount of hormones I'm on, I can count on actually making it to my beta. That's never happened before. Stupid AF always cutting things short.

I am rambling. There's nothing else to do! GAH! This is torture!!

At least my mood is good at the moment. I'll take it!!

Pissy Mood and a Pee Stick

I am in the pissiest mood. And I don't even know why!!! Damn you, progesterone. 

I tested out my trigger this morning. Squinter, so I guess I'll test it out again tomorrow.

The first time I've ever seen a squinter. Trigger's still in my system. 

Yeah, I'm still pissy as all hell. Hmmph.