Practicing Patience

I went in for my mid-cycle monitoring this morning. Everything is looking great! My lining is 7.7mm thick, I have two mature follies (one on each side measuring at 20 and 22mm), and I have a whole bunch more that are still growing. The doctor wants to see my E2 levels before finalizing our schedule. At the moment, we have three possible scenarios under consideration:

1. Trigger and TI tonight with the IUI on Sunday
2. Trigger and TI tomorrow with the IUI on Monday
3. TI tonight with the IUI on Saturday (I assume this is if my body O's on its own without the trigger)

Either scenario would be fine by me. I'm ready to rumble and am happy that the doctor is going to make the decision that will give us the best chance of success. Let the record show that my O pains have officially started. I've been looking forward to this moment so much (/sarcasm).

Update: I got the call from the doctor and we're going with scenario 1. We have to cancel our plans for Sunday morning (we were going to visit two litters of golden retriever puppies with my in-laws... wahhh! I'm so sad that I don't get to see the puppies!!), but I'm glad we have a solid plan. I hope this works.

As I told my 3rd grade class today, I'm practicing patience. They are absolutely CRAZY because there are only 7 days of school left :) It took them 15 seconds to settle down when I gave them my start cue. Unacceptable. So I waited for them to catch on... and then said, "Mrs. Z is practicing patience. Right now, the class is giving me a good run for my money." Then into the whole lecture about expectations through the end of the year, blah, blah, blah. Gotta love 'em :) They are pushing my buttons, but they're kids, it's what they do. It's my job to teach them how to behave in a large class. So that's what we're doing. And, besides, I need the practice when it comes to being patient. Thanks to IF, I'm almost at the end of my rope. 

I am patiently waiting for...

• ...the doctor to call with instructions. (I'd like to know soon so I can rearrange my plans.)
• ...two pink lines.
• ...my family to grow.

I am getting lots of practice when it comes to patience. I've had lots of practice over the past 3 years waiting to break 4:00 (a long term personal goal to run a marathon in 3:59:59 or faster). And let's not even talk about the whole house-hunting-hell/moving debacle. Those were six of the worst months in my life (up to that point). But in the end of both situations, I got the results I was looking for. I SMASHED my goal when I crossed the finish line at the 2013 Shamrock Marathon in 3:42:54. Sure, it took ten tries (not exaggerating. I have literally run 10 marathons), but I finally did it! And it felt amazing! It still does! I can't help but to feel overjoyed every time I think about that race :) And the house situation, well, we now have an amazing home. I couldn't possibly love it anymore! 

So I guess what I'm trying to say is that it'll all work out in the end. You just have to be patient. And it will be glorious when it happens. When it happens is out of our control. So you can either be miserable and suffer until it happens, or you can wait as patiently and peacefully as possible. How you choose to play the waiting game is up to you.

I Will Wait

"I Will Wait" by Mumford & Sons has become my "baby anthem" over the past few months. I listen to this song every day while holding Mimi's coin. Most days, I also sing and play the song on my guitar. Every aspect of this song strikes a chord deep within my soul. The tone, rhythm, lyrics and passion are all soothing and energizing at the same time. It gives me hope and faith that my little miracle is coming.



"I Will Wait"

Well, I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of dust
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun

But I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
Well, you forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way shake the excess

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind freed from the lies

And I'll kneel down,
Wait for now
I'll kneel down,
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

'Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Finish Line?

Today's kick in the butt from RunnersWorld.com resonated with me on many levels:

Running, much like life, has its hills and valleys. On any given run, and particularly in most marathons, we come across easy stretches and seemingly impossible challenges. I have learned to just keep going. The tough moments never last, and the easy stretches are always a joy. The same is clearly true in life, if we just keep going we'll get to that finish line with water, massages, and bananas! -Will Starr, Runner's World Challenger of the Week

In addition to the running and marathon analogies, it rings true for my current place in life along this IF journey. The main difference is instead of water, massages, and bananas, the IF finish line has the miracle of my take-home babies.

As challenging as marathons and running can be, at least (on most days) the finish line is clear. There is exactly 26 miles and 385 yards from the start line to the finish line in any marathon. That is certain. But with IF, you are out there on the course, emotionally and physically pushing yourself within an inch of your breaking point... and yet, you don't know where the finish line is. It could be this cycle. It could be next year. It could be never. That is the hardest part for me to deal with.

But as difficult as this moment is, I have faith that it will pass. I just have to keep going. One mile at a time. The finish line is out there somewhere, and I believe I'll get there. I just have to stay the course and never give up. It'll all be worth it in the end... and then it'll only be the beginning of the next, beautiful phase in my life's journey.

Count Down to Nothing

21 weeks until the NYC Marathon. I am registered for this race. I paid $227 for the registration fee alone. Over the course of the past year, I have paid hundreds of dollars just to get a guaranteed spot with the 9+1 program. And yet, here I am hoping, praying, wishing that I have to defer my spot to next year (which would cost me an additional $227 when I register for the spot in 2014)....

Verrazano Bridge during the NYC Marathon

Under normal circumstances, I'd be thrilled to have a marathon that is only 21 weeks away. Oh, the thought of a good long run is puts a smile on my face! I wish I had 21 weeks of training to look forward to. But as much as I want to train for and run in a marathon in this moment, I want to be pregnant with my baby more.

So instead of getting excited that there are 21 weeks until the NYC Marathon, I am filled with fear... what if the IUI's don't work? If this cycle results in a BFN, then we will definitely try again with IUI #3. But if that doesn't work... what then?

Part of me is saying, "Cici, stop it. One step at a time, don't get ahead of yourself." But the other part of me can't help it... I need to plan.

I wonder if I should start the conversation with DH. I've been thinking that if we get through IUI #3 without a BFP, then perhaps we should take a treatment break. It would be August by that point. I'd have about 10 weeks to train for NYC and then we could get started with the next cycle after the race is over.

I'm reluctant to bring it up to John because I'm afraid he's not going to like the idea. We put off TTC for years because I wanted to run marathon after marathon. He was ready to start years ago, but I kept buying time and saying, "Just one more marathon." Then I finally had my marathon fill (or so I thought) after my DNF at the Lehigh Valley Marathon, and said let's give it a go! 21 months later, still no baby :(

IF sucks. Its reach is far and wide, and not a single aspect of my life is safe from its pain. Including and especially the happiness that I get from marathon training. So, there you have it. 21 weeks until the NYC Marathon. 21 weeks to count down to an uncertain future.

Happy (belated) National Running Day!

I know that technically I missed it. Well, it's not that I missed it; it's just that I was held captive by work and music this week. This is the second year in a row that my school band's spring concert was scheduled on National Running Day. I have got to fix that for next year ;)

On top of not getting my run in on Wednesday, I've been busy the past three days with the Wind Symphony's recording sessions. We are recording a CD which will hopefully be released in November. The project is quite the undertaking. Anyone who has ever done a professional recording session can testify; it is tedious and exhausting on many levels. But hopefully the group's efforts will all be worth it when we have that CD in our hands (and blasting from our iPods)!

Needless to say, I've been cooped up for the past four days. You can probably imagine how I felt. On a normal day, my legs are restless. I was born to move and whenever I'm bound to a chair... I kinda freak out a little bit! ["Get me outta dis boose!" just came screaming into my mind... random side story: my college wind ensemble went on a tour of Germany and Austria in 2002. It was awesome, though there were times where we had to wait around on the bus while logistics got sorted out. Ah, the joys of traveling with 60+ people ;) That phrase was born in the moment and thinking of the memory makes me smile!]

I just got in from an awesome run, and man, am I ever soaring on this runner's high :) It felt so good to shake it up and pound the pavement. I feel refreshed and recharged (which is a good thing because we have one last 9-5pm session tomorrow to finish the Wind Symphony's CD).

One of my favorite parts of running is that it gives me clarity. My mind is so active, and busy, and chattery, and sometimes I get overwhelmed by the flood of thoughts coming from every direction. I have found running to be the great equalizer in my life. For some reason, when my body is in motion, my mind is finally able to be still.

Today's run was extra special to me because I convinced my DH to join me for the first mile on his bike. He wasn't to crazy about the idea at first (he wanted to sit on the couch, lol), but it made me so happy that he acquiesced. After we worked our way up "Mount Mallard the Mild" we ran and rode happily along Washington Valley. John took a left down "Tullo's Tumble" as I continued onward to "Cruel Crim's Climb." I decided to push myself a little harder than normal up the hill. It felt so good!! Mountaintop was pleasant as usual with gorgeous views and a relatively flat terrain. Then I enjoyed running downhill as I completed my run with a reverse of "Totten's Torture." What a good run! (Yes, I've named all the hills around my house. And, yes, I know I am a total dork!)

Some simple truths that I have discovered on the road today:

1. I will continue to abide by my RE's instructions to limit daily exercise to one hour and scale back the intensity; however, I will break this rule whenever I am on my period. I need to run hard and long in order to feel like myself. Not all of the time, but a few butt-kicking runs at the right time in my cycle won't hurt anything (at least I don't think... I'll probably check with my RE next time I am in the office).
2. I will absolutely listen to my body at all times throughout my cycle. If I feel bloated and "full" then I won't push it and will allow myself a guilt-free rest day if necessary.
3. I still have to come up with an exercise plan that I am comfortable with for the 2WW. Obviously, I will follow the RE's restrictions especially during the 2WW. I just don't know how easy is too easy yet, and last cycle felt like I was right on the border of lazy... I have to figure it out. Something tells me that if I listen to my body, she will show me the way.
4. I love my family (and friends who are family). I love running. I love music.

And of course, I'm still chanting, "Grow, follies, grow!!" Are you?! ;)

Rebound

Well, IUI #1 was officially declared a bust on Monday (June 3rd). I woke up and just knew it wasn't good. I thought about testing one day early (12 dpIUI), but decided that I didn't want to see a BFN yet. I went to expel my FMU before I changed my mind. The cramping had intensified over night and by 10:30am, I had started spotting. I knew it was only a matter of time before AF would arrive.

I was feeling really lousy. My body was in pain from the cramping, and my mind was in total despair. I sat at my desk crying and couldn't imagine teaching children while feeling like this. I called out sick for the rest of the afternoon, went home and got directly into bed with Mocha.

When I woke up from my long nap, the cramping was getting heavier. My friend suggested that I take a HPT so I could take Advil guilt-free. Good idea! As I was cleaning up from the test and waiting for the 5 minute window to pass, I had some more spotting... except it was more significant than just spotting. It looked like the beginning of flow :-/ I got the BFN, took some Advil, and called the doctor to report that it was CD1. Of course, AF will never turn her back to an opportunity to twist the knife, so the spotting stopped as soon as I called. I waited on pins and needles for the next eight hours until the flow started in full force at 11:00pm.

I spent all of Monday feeling sad, but woke up the next day feeling a lot better. I was able to pick out the silver linings:

1. At least my cycles are short, so I don't have to wait around for a long time in between tries. This cycle ended right on my average of 25 days.
2. At least my LP isn't long. My 2WW isn't even a full two weeks, so I don't have to spend a lot of extra time anxiously wondering.
3. At least we can jump right in with the next try and don't have to wait between cycles.

All of those thoughts are comforting to me, especially the third one. I went in for my CD 3 u/s and blood work on Wednesday (June 5th). The good news is that I'm cyst-free and was instructed to take 100mg of Clomid starting that night. I will continue with the Clomid until Sunday night and return on Friday, June 14th for mid-cycle monitoring.

The side effects are already starting to get to me. I've been especially irritable and got a headache yesterday that I wasn't able to sleep off. John thought I was scapegoating at first when I told him it was because of the Clomid. He actually hung up the phone on me yesterday afternoon and told me to call him back when I wasn't such a grouch. (Thinking back on it, I can't help but to laugh! I was really out of control!) He was extra sweet to me last night and this morning when I told him about my headache. He gave me a head massage that helped me feel better. I love him.

It doesn't help matters that the Wind Symphony is in recording sessions this weekend. Everyone in the group is making huge sacrifices to work on this project. I can't wait to hear the CD and hope it'll all be worth it!! I'm playing on all sessions, so I had to be there last night from 5-9, again tonight from 5-9 and on Saturday and Sunday from 9-5. The recording process is tedious because you have to play the same sections over and over until everyone gets it perfect. And the stage is HOT. The air conditioning is too loud to run, so we're sweating it out. I hope the Clomid doesn't give me hot flashes on top of it all, because that would be cruel. It's going to be a long weekend.

So, anyway, here we go again! Here's hoping that IUI #2 is the lucky one for me! 

My chant until June 14th. I set this to my lock screen on my phone :)

The Art of Distraction

11 dpIUI, CD 25. Today was a perfect day. It really was in spite of the fact that I'm getting closer and closer to the end of my 2WW. There was potential for today to be filled with worry and mind games, but I was so busy and distracted that my mind didn't wander too much.

I went for a trail run this morning with Coach & Kristina. It was just what the doctor ordered (...or in this case, kinda not. I bent the one-hour-max rule a bit... ok, I bent it a lot). I was planning to keep the run under an hour or if I went over then just a little bit... oops. We were out there for about two and a half hours. But it felt so good! It was literally soothing for my body, mind and soul. And don't worry - I was really in tune with my body. I took all of the walking breaks I needed, didn't push myself too hard, and stayed hydrated.

Coach Vinny giving the thumbs up (top/left)
Kristina & me RRROOOAAARRR!!!ing (bottom/left)
Me by a refreshing waterfall (right)

Coach (pictured above) has been an important person to me ever since I met him in November 2010. To say that he changed my life is no exaggeration, but that's a story for another blog. Today, while we were running we talked about our journeys with IF. He had told me in an email a few weeks ago that he and his wife had their own struggles and did a few medicated cycles to bring them their adorable 4 y/o twins. I was asking him questions about their treatments, and it was kind of endearing that he honestly didn't know much about it. When he was talking about it, I could imagine My Johnny talking the same way. We women tend to shelter our DH's from all of the excruciating details, so it's really not Vinny's fault that he couldn't tell me if they did IUI's or IVF. 

I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I enjoy my time with Kristina so much! She and I are so similar in the way that we emote and view the world. I am grateful for her friendship, and think that we bring the best out of each other with each and every run we share :) The picture of us above requires some explanation. (I'm cracking up as I type this because we are so silly!) She and I learned how to trail run downhill on technical terrain together. It doesn't sound like much, but it is actually really scary the first time you look down a mountain with nothing but rocks, bolders, and tree roots in sight. Where the hell are you supposed to put your feet?! After getting a tutorial from the videos on YouTube, we hit the trails to try some of the techniques out. We were still scared to try for the first time (I didn't want to knock my teeth out with a face plant if/when I fell!). My suggestion to get us started was to "RRROOOAAARRR" while charging down the mountain. It worked! It made us feel brave and we didn't fall. So now we roar whenever running downhill. It's especially fun when strangers are within earshot, lol :-D

After going home for a quick shower and to take the dog for a walk, I headed to John's car show. This was his first year as the "man in charge" and it went really well. I'm proud of him for all of the hard work he put into organizing the event, and for working the microphone like a pro during the Tricky Tray and Awards. I totally forgot that my dad and sister were planning to attend, so BONUS! I got to see them today. I also realized that I was wearing my lucky dress (at least that's what I'm calling it now). This was the dress I wore the first time I saw my friend when she was pregnant with her daughter. I'm hoping that it will bring this cycle good luck.

Being oh-so-silly with my awesome sister, Riri, at the Car Show

On the way home, I stopped by the grocery store ::groan:: to pick up some essentials for the week... including a few HPT's. I have a bunch of Wondfo's on hand, but if (when? Should I phrase it more optimistically?) I get a BFP I will want to test with a digital to confirm that I'm not reading the results wrong. I also want to have a pee stick that I can show DH without having to explain "a line's a line no matter how faint."

So, yeah, that was my awesome day :) I'm happily relaxing now before it's bed time and we dive head first into the work week. I have to admit that I'm starting to itch to take a HPT, but I'm going to wait. One more day to endure. The plan is 13 dpIUI/CD27 because my lucky numbers (1, 3, 7). And besides, I can't stomach the thought of seeing a BFN quite yet. Know what I mean?