Broken Dreams...

Frostie Ninja is no more... Ninja is gone. Our dream, our miracle embryo, ceases to exist. We had 7+ glorious weeks from the time of ER to FET. During that time, we had so much which we thought was lost forever. We had hope, dreams, and the joy of our imaginations for what might have been. 

April 13th was the day when we met our precious Ninja once again. We watched with hope and joy in our hearts as the embryologist loaded Ninja into the catheter. I even saw the little white blur on the ultrasound screen as the doctor transferred Ninja into my uterus. It looked like a little shooting star, and I don't have to tell you what I wished for. 

Every 11:11, every prayer, every opportunity to make a wish has been for our beautiful Ninja. It breaks our hearts that our plea hasn't been heard. 

On April 22nd, John & I gathered around my phone as we listened to our nurse tell us that she was sorry, it was negative, my beta was zero, and I was not pregnant. 

What now? What could we possibly do now that our hearts are so truly broken? I don't know. The past week has been filled with heartache, tears, and grief. The pain ebbs and flows. Sometimes, we have a period of a few hours which is filled with smiles and laughter. The next moment, I am sobbing and so completely broken. We had truly believed that Ninja was finally the one. How are we possibly going to recover from this great loss?

At this point, there is not much to say. Which is probably why I have been absent from this blog. I wish I were here reporting happier news. I am still in disbelief that this is real life. How can it all be so unfair? 

The love, hugs, support and space from my dear ones has been overwhelming. Thank you for giving us what we need to work through this terrible nightmare. It will take us more time to figure things out. It will be slow and painful. But we will persevere. I don't know what the future has in store for us... But I know somehow we will move through this. And on the other side, we will come out stronger. Better. 

My Podcast!!!

Drum roll, please!

::BUZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz::

My Podcast!!! Click the link & listen if you get a minute (or 120! Like I said, it's long!!! But hopefully worth it!!).

Podcast is Recorded!!

It was so much fun playing with the microphones :) Honestly, I have a feeling that most people won't listen to it. I think it's too long. Aside from that, I am proud with how it came out. Matt & I just chatted for almost two hours (like I said, too long). The conversation ebbed and flowed and went in and out of the main topic, infertility. We talked about running, drinking, yoga, my best friend's struggle with MS... many topics. It was fun talking!

I'll be sure to post a link once I have it, but like I said... it's long. I won't be offended in the least if you don't want to listen to it!!

Podcast is Scheduled!

I am very much looking forward to making a podcast on April 19th. I've never made one before, so I'm really excited about playing with the microphones! I've seen pictures of my friend's studio, and it's impressive. I'm also looking forward to seeing my friend and hanging out a bit. We plan to record the podcast in the morning, and then go out to brunch. Then my friend will edit it and allow me to preview it. Mostly, I'm anxious to hear how the thing turns out so we can put it out there for NIAW! :)

I've been thinking long and hard about this, and am invested in making it perfect. I want to be careful to set up clear boundaries so as not to hurt anyone (including myself) with my bold statement. I have been working on a topic list for discussion, and also a list of topics that are absolutely off the table.

I will not be discussing anyone else's story, and will not mention anyone who I know IRL or through the internet. I will not mention this blog, the Dreamer group, or any of the online forums in which I participate. I will try to curb my vocabulary so as to not shock my Dear Aunt Sally with words like "vagina" or "dildo cam." (For the record, I really don't have a Dear Aunt Sally... wasn't that a way to remember some math thing that I've long since forgotten?!)

One topic that I'd like to focus on is how infertility has changed my life. The many sacrifices that I've had to make in the pursuit of this dream. I will certainly reference Resolve's website and hope that people check it out for the good information that is available there. I want to talk about the vast emotional palette that has gone along with my journey through the darkness. Selfishly, I want to clear my conscience of the 'lying' that I've been doing the past two years (like when I've had to answer questions, "When's the next big race?" "When are you going to have a baby?" and the generic, "How are you?").

I hope it turns out the way that I'm envisioning. In addition to the podcast, I will make one or two posts on my Facebook wall during NIAW. I will reference the Resolve website, and just make a brief statement that I'm 1 in 8. Anyone else out there who is struggling, you are not alone. I don't want this one topic to take over my world on Facebook (even though it has taken over my world in private), but at the same time I want to acknowledge that it is a very real part of my life.

Are you planning to publicly recognize infertility during NIAW? Have you already 'come out?' Are you going to stay in the closet about your own personal journey and support quietly (as I did for the past year)? Share your story!!